The Headspace Guide To A Mindful Pregnancy Read online

  Mindfulness allows you to give up this endless back and forth of rumination, and instead be content with what’s happening right now, while embracing the uncertainty of the future. Sure, you have to plan ahead in a practical sense, and there are basics to learn and routines to adopt, but if you are not mentally ready, and don’t have a healthy coping mechanism to hand when you feel like a failure, or want to scream out your frustration, or are about to have a meltdown, you are making it ten times harder on yourself.

  In not underestimating how hard the adjustment can be, you shouldn’t underestimate either how the mind is capable of being its own worst enemy at such times, taking you into deep valleys of negative, self-defeating thoughts. Every mountaineer makes sure they have the right gear when setting up base camp, but they’ll also spend time getting mentally strong. The same should apply to every mother and father looking to ascend Mount Parenthood.

  So yes, you can savour the anticipation and rearrange your life – decorate the nursery, build the cot, buy a wardrobe of baby clothes, invest in a fancy pram and attend as many antenatal classes as you can afford. But the wisest preparation, before or after birth, is to spend some time with the mind, learning how to let go of habitual patterns of thinking – because trust me, no amount of cuddly toys will provide peace of mind when your baby is screaming through the night, but a moment of mindfulness might just prevent you from tipping over the edge.

  When we let go in this way, we find calm. In that calm, we gain more clarity. In seeing more clearly, we obtain a better sense of perspective, which, in turn, leads to contentment. With more contentment, we tend to release our own stuff and have more compassion – more time and space for ourselves and others. These are essential elements of mindfulness and the key to a more harmonious experience. Throughout the book, you will see me refer to them as the four Cs – Calm. Clarity. Contentment. Compassion.

  Notice that ‘calm’ precedes everything – it is the seed from which fulfilment (and sanity) grows. If we cannot first find a sense of ease, everything else will be wishful thinking. A state of calm will forever be our starting point. Just to be clear, that doesn’t mean a mind without thought, but a mind at ease. (More of that later.) Nor can meditation and mindfulness change what happens to us in life – it is not a magic pill that extracts the difficulties – but it can fundamentally change how we experience life.

  It doesn’t matter if you’ve tried and struggled with meditation before. Leave that behind. Wipe the slate clean. At Headspace, we’ve demystified meditation and mindfulness for millions of people of all ages, and can do the same for you right here, right now.

  Ten minutes a day – that’s all it requires. This is a little-and-often approach, supported by substantial scientific evidence (which you’ll read about later) that supports the benefits of short, regular meditation sessions. It’s the very reason the Headspace Take10 programme was devised. Slowly but surely, whether you do it religiously for the nine months of pregnancy, or every day for the rest of your life, the positive differences will be dramatic.

  Herein lies the magic of a mindful pregnancy: it is a one-size-fits-all approach, whether you’re adhering to a certain method or taking it freestyle. Moreover, it also applies to every other area of your life, because it doesn’t differentiate between circumstances. View it as a new lens on your camera – because once you see one thing through the clear filter of mindfulness, you’ll see everything that way.

  Going back to my fellow passenger on that flight, as I discussed these ideas with her, batting them back and forth, I could see that her initial scepticism about a pregnancy book written by a man was beginning to fade. And, as if on cue: ‘Maybe I’ll buy it for my daughter,’ she conceded. ‘Ever since becoming a young mum, she’s so stressed out.’

  ‘Yeah, thinking will do that to you,’ I said, smiling. ‘This book will be right up her alley.’

  So, welcome to the latest offering from Headspace. And get ready to embrace a mindful pregnancy. As you’re about to discover, all you need to do is get out of your own way. Because, quite simply, the best start in life for your baby begins with your mind.

  Andy Puddicombe, 2015

  Like most things at Headspace, this book is a collaborative effort, bringing together the expertise of many different people. But, as a man entering uncharted waters, there are three women in particular to whom I am deeply indebted. Without their invaluable insight and kind support, I could never have delivered this book. You will find their voices throughout, so please let me introduce the wife, the obstetrician and the neuroscientist.

  THE WIFE: Lucinda Puddicombe MSc – friend, lover, companion and mother to our son Harley. Lucinda and I have been married for three years, together for seven. Aside from being a fantastic mum, Lucinda is an exercise physiologist, specialising in fitness and nutrition. With a wealth of experience, she walks the talk, having competed for Great Britain in duathlon at both the European and World Championships.

  THE OBSTETRICIAN: Dr Shamsah Amersi, MD – to whom we will be for ever grateful for her care, support and friendship throughout our pregnancy. A Board Certified and highly respected physician in obstetrics and gynaecology, Dr Amersi received her undergraduate degree in psychobiology at UCLA, and graduated from UC San Francisco Medical School with top honours. A proud mum, with a private practice in Santa Monica, she has guided countless families through pregnancy.

  THE NEUROSCIENTIST: Dr Claudia Aguirre – our resident neuroscientist at Headspace HQ and real-life genius, Dr Aguirre researches and communicates the science behind mindfulness in a way we can all understand – no easy task. With a BSc from UCLA, and a PhD from USC, she is also a professional speaker and writer of note, and has been featured in health and wellness publications around the world.

  PART ONE

  CHAPTER ONE

  CHANGE YOUR MIND

  When I first started training in mindfulness at the monasteries back in 1994, the guidance at the outset was that we should never believe anything simply because it originated from an authoritative source; instead, we were taught, only act on something if, in your own experience, it proves beneficial to your welfare and those around you. Don’t go by reports, by legends, by traditions, by probability, they said, and, most of all, don’t heed a lesson just because a teacher says it’s so. (These days, you could probably add ‘and because a scientific paper says it’s so’.)

  That’s how I’d like you to approach the practice of mindfulness and meditation in this book: treat it as if I’ve just walked up to you in the street and said, ‘Look, there’s this thing, try it out; it worked for me and it’s worked for a lot of other people too. I’ll provide the instructions and then, if you feel the benefits, it’s a confidence and trust you have formed yourself, rather than blind faith.’ This is the place to begin.

  Of course, you’ll need to give it time, but you’ll see eventually where I’m coming from. Meditation is something that has to be experienced – you need to feel it to know its value. I would also add that it offers no quick-fix solution, and there will be obstacles along the way, as there are when practising any new skill. But always keep in mind that the obstacles are nothing but the process of learning itself – they are actually part of what makes it work and there is always, always an antidote. So stick with it, experience the easy-to-learn exercises for yourself, and you will ultimately undergo real, noticeable change, whether that’s after one day, one week or one month.

  You may have come to this book without knowing anything about Headspace or what we do. Maybe your partner has thrust it in your hand. Maybe it has landed on your bedside table by way of recommendation. Maybe you are reading it, but remain cynical, not really believing in this thing that everyone keeps talking about. Or maybe you are well accustomed to mindfulness and are simply seeking a refresher. Whatever the case, training in mindfulness is not about becoming a different person, a new person or even a better person. It’s about training in awareness; understanding why you think and feel the way
you do; learning to be at ease with the mind as it is, no matter what’s going on in your life; and finding a little more space in your head, in the interests of yourself, your partner, family and baby.

  The answer to a calmer mind, and therefore more fulfilment in life, is simply spending more time in the here and now. Yet the mind – irrational, unreliable, neurotic and wayward – often refuses to accept the simplicity of this truth, instead wanting to dissect, complicate and analyse, creating more noise. The moment we let go of all that, and choose to be with what’s happening right now, in the present, there is nowhere else for the mind to go and it is a very, very peaceful place to be.

  Life is not what happened back there or what might happen up ahead.

  Life is like the rhythm of the heart, every breath, every blink of the eye. It is beat by beat, moment by moment.

  This … is all there is. This … is all we need.

  MEDITATION AND MINDFULNESS

  These days, society no longer views meditation and mindfulness as a far-out, niche market, solely reserved for yogis, hippies and gurus. Both subjects are now universally embraced and talked about to such a degree that the mainstream media often reports on their widespread acceptance in the world of health, lifestyle, sport, business and yes, of course, celebrity too. A 2014 cover story in TIME magazine entitled ‘The Mindful Revolution’ was a clear endorsement of this. But within this mass of coverage, the subtle distinction between meditation and mindfulness is sometimes lost, and it is worth taking a minute or two to explain.

  Meditation requires us to sit for a limited amount of time. It is a tool that trains and cultivates the mind, allowing thoughts to come and go: not labelling them, not getting caught up in them, not ignoring or resisting them – just watching them. As we meditate, we gradually learn to move beyond thoughts, better understanding their ebb and flow, and transient nature. This then lays the groundwork for mindfulness. Think of it as meditation in action, in real time, with your eyes open, applying the same principles to everyday life.

  Meditation is something we do on the practice ground, honing the skill. Mindfulness is the application of the skill brought to each day. Although the conditions for each may be different, their essence is the same, and we apply awareness, kindness and curiosity to both. Simply put, the practice is about letting go of thinking how life should be and living it as it is. By that, I don’t mean throwing our hands in the air and giving up, or being a pushover. Letting go does not mean casting aside aspirations, dreams or positive intentions; rather, it’s about releasing all the mental baggage to create space in the mind in which we can find more clarity, to better see a more skilful course of action. We will always have the opportunity to change certain circumstances but, in those situations over which we don’t have control, mindfulness helps us find a place of quiet acceptance.

  The more we stay in the present, not getting bogged down in thoughts, the more we can take life in our stride, refraining from internal reactivity and judgement of ourselves and others. Although we spend every day with our thoughts and emotions, we usually know very little about them or how they influence us; therefore, it requires courage, openness and honesty to observe the mind without judgement, criticism or censorship. As our practice evolves, the ‘rest-and-digest’ part of our nervous system becomes more active, helping us to feel more comfortable and relaxed. With repeated training, we feel lighter, less preoccupied and more spacious – something we call ‘headspace’. Each of us has this innate mental capacity. Think of the qualities of mindfulness: a mind that is calmer, clearer, softer, kinder and more open and accepting; a mind that knows appreciation, compassion and gratefulness. Take a moment to imagine the positive implications of these qualities throughout fertility, pregnancy, childbirth and parenthood – a mind that is less reactive, more stable and content.

  LIVING MINDFULLY

  The difference between living mindfully and not living mindfully is significant. In the case of the latter, we’re constantly dealing with thoughts and emotions that distract or overwhelm us. It’s a little like standing outdoors and being buffeted by a storm we shouldn’t have ventured into, leaving us preoccupied with its intensity. When mindful, it’s as though we’re indoors, sitting in a warm, cosy pub, watching the storm but not getting involved, feeling the calm of our chosen sanctuary. It is the difference between getting caught up in something and witnessing it. Notice that the external event – in this case, the storm – doesn’t change. It still happens. But our experience of it is drastically different.

  Say you walk into that same pub in the wild and woolly English countryside. Let’s call this fine drinking hole ‘The Mindful Dog & Gun’. You remove your coat and notice the atmosphere is jovial and welcoming. Within an hour or so, the whole pub is buzzing with collective banter and people having a good belly laugh. Everyone around you is with you, on the same page; nothing can disrupt the shared mindset. The more people who are engaged in something – be it laughter, awareness or compassion – the more others want to get involved. A 2015 study, that actually used the Headspace app as the intervention, demonstrated that pro-social behaviour is just one of the many benefits of mindfulness. After assessing fifty-six participants from Boston’s Northeastern University, the study showed that there was a 23 per cent increase in compassionate behaviour among those who meditated, compared with those who did not. ‘These findings point to the potential of meditation as a technique for building a more compassionate society,’ the paper said. Such are the contagious effects of mindfulness in our home, family or community. In experiencing the benefits internally, we begin to manifest them externally.

  From my so-far limited experience of first-time fatherhood, I can vouch for the fact that mindfulness helps enormously. Becoming a dad presented me with all the same challenges any new parent faces, and I can now better understand why people find it so difficult, before, during and after pregnancy. But at the same time, I can say from direct experience that mindfulness can change the way we approach the process. It actually works. Not just in a quiet Himalayan monastery but also in the roller coaster ride we all get strapped into.

  I remember a story about a teacher at one of the monasteries in Thailand who was asked to visit someone far away. Friends picked him up in a battered old jeep to take him on the journey which involved crossing some quite hair-raising terrain. As the jeep approached the foot of an ominous-looking mountain, fellow passengers started fretting about whether they should risk it or turn around. The road ahead, or should I say dirt track, was treacherous – on the right side was a wall of rock; on the left, a steep drop into oblivion. But the driver seemed undeterred, and the teacher, sitting in the front seat, said nothing, but stayed alert. Upon reaching the top, he got out of the jeep, looked back on the route they’d navigated and said with a laugh, ‘Phew, that was pretty scary.’

  And therein lies the message: he didn’t stand at the bottom, look up and worry about what lay ahead. Nor did he look back and regret finding himself where he was. Granted, he hadn’t anticipated such an Indiana-Jones-style drive, but it came with the territory. Of course, he still had legitimate thoughts about what he was going to do in a pragmatic sense, and he doubtless felt a sting of danger, but he didn’t fuel any worry or panic.

  So it is with the journey of pregnancy. It is impossible to accurately plan the way ahead, and the route will inevitably take its own twists and turns. All you can do is stay present with each moment and not freak out, using mindfulness to instill confidence in your ability to handle any situation.

  If you use Headspace, you’ll know that one of my favourite analogies is that of the mind being a little like a lake: each thought we toss in it creates a ripple; the more we think, the more ripples are created, constantly disturbing the surface. When we meditate, and as our thoughts slow down, however, those ripples start to fade, until there is stillness – and that’s when we realise the water is so crystal clear that we can see what’s beneath the surface.

  Of course, wit
h a restless mind, it is impossible to forever maintain that mirror-still surface, but each time it ripples – each time a thought is thrown into your meditation – simply allow it to pass and the lake will once again become clear.

  Meditation is not about sticking your hand in the water and rooting around the bottom, digging up the sediment of old memories and analysing them; do that and you’ll find yourself thinking again! Sure, you may well see things naturally rising to the surface that were supposedly long forgotten, or that you don’t like the look of, but such is the process of letting go. If you can simply witness this process, you are left with the clear lake. It is worth remembering that clarity arises from stillness in the same way that confusion arises from chaos.

  Ironically, it is through stillness that we come to understand that mindfulness doesn’t make everything suddenly go smoothly. Far from it – we just see things more clearly and feel more comfortable, especially when things go awry. That’s why I always emphasise the distinction between contentment and happiness. I often struggle with the word ‘happiness’ because it promotes the idea that everything should pan out as planned; that life is about walking around with a smiley face, and happiness is somehow our default mode. But ‘the pursuit of happiness’ often leads to disappointment because, by the nature of it being an emotion, it cannot be everlasting. Attaining happiness is not what peace of mind is about; it’s about being content and at ease with whatever we’re confronted with, whether that means having an amazing time or an extremely difficult time. Indeed, having the clarity to recognise what is helpful, and the ability to let go of that which is not, is a wonderful thing.